Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Saturday, May 03, 2003
Tired. So very tired. Not because it's 3 a.m. Not because I've been up too late too often, not sleeping enough, or have too many things to do. I am tired of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I am tired of being let down, dumped on, pushed around, and walked over. I'm tired of trying to do what is right, only to be wronged further. I am tired of loving people, only to be hurt in return. I am tired of doing my best and getting the worst in return. I am tired, oh so very tired. Where is the good, the hopeful, the uplifting? Where is the helping hand, to lift me from my sea of trouble? Where is anything to keep me going? Would that I could fly away, just fly away home. Would that I could simply stop, merely end. Would that I could become someone else, go somewhere else. Would that anything could happen that turns out for the best in the end. Would that what I choose to be involved in would not explode; would that my goals be not unreachable. Tired, so very, VERY tired. Sleep must come , or rest. . . .
3:07 AM
Monday, April 28, 2003
Now I know why I was off-kilter all this weekend: I was right. This is, of course, one time I HATE to be right. My g/f (?) was looking for the right words to say, and I had to go and say them to her. She just doesn't have time for me right now, and would rather have all of her other projects than a relationship, than my full love. I can understand her choice of school over love, because I've had to make it as well. I don't however, understand choosing the other things. I don't have to understand, however. My place now is only to keep my word. I made her a promise when I gave her her ring that I would wait until she's ready. Now, as I accept it back, I intend to honor the promise ANYWAY, because it is what is right. I love her, and I will wait until she is ready. I never thought I'd have to take back a promise ring, but what must be, must be. I can only hope she will still love me and care about me after our little "break." And during that little break I have the delicious luxury of playing the every dangerous game of "part-time boyfriend." ***end sarcasm*** I refuse to be a matter of convenience for her or any other woman. If I feel she is taking advantage of me (which is now, unfortunately, almost assured to happen), I will walk away, and perhaps stay away. She may find a much different friendship than she expects. And yet, I must also give the fullest effort I can to being a good friend, for obvious reasons. I do love and care for her, and that requires me to do what is right. I also want to be her friend (and her boyfriend even more). But I refuse to play some silly game that will cause me no end of pain and suffereing because some silly girl is too immature to take care of business. We can only watch, wait, and try to do what is right before God and man now.
2:15 PM
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