Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Friday, April 25, 2003
And now for another fun post. I've been off kilter all day, ever since I finished up with classes thius morning. I think I know why now - I have the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm about to hear everyone's favorite dating line: the one about just being friends. I don't have any desire to hear it this time, and I think the delieverer may be surprised at the response to be given. And I don't think that response will be well received. But I haven't much choice, this time.
8:04 PM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Sometimes, it's hard to see the good in a situation. And for days like today, I would have liked to have seen some. Too bad for me I suppose. Started out with a bang - migraine and vomiting is MY favorite way to wake up, isn't it yours? I could call my ill health a stress related issue, but that would only be partially true. Really, it's a woman problem. As in, mine don't want me no mo, but ain't got the gumption to tell me da truth. At least, that's how I feel. I just wish I knew what made her change her mind so suddenly. It's as if she just "swtiched off", which I had thought was something that real love doesn't do. That fact leaves me two options: 1) she loves me still, and is just having some kind of issue that I don't know about; or 2) she never really loved me in the first place. I guess I'll find out sooner or later. Until I know for sure, I have very limited options. Forgivness / grace, and continued love are all I can do for her until I found out she really doesn't want my love. It is in God's hands, and He will see to it that what is right happens. And maybe, it's just time for me to give up the dating game forever. Submit myself to a single life, and deal with that. I don't like that idea, but I may not have a choice. We shall see, we shall see. Que sera, sera.
10:16 PM
Monday, April 21, 2003
And the storm rolls on. I can't think of anything more fun than trying to have a relationship with a totaly unresponsive partner, except for a partner whose only response is to turn away. *SIGH* My g/f did prove that I was wrong about something this weekend - that there are worse ways to feel than I had previously thought. And here I - mistakenly, apparently - thought that fervently desiring death was the worst possible way to feel. Nope, not after my Easter weekend. I travel a THOUSAND miles to be with my g/f, totally blow off a bunch of responsibilities, and what do I get for my trouble? Blown off, rejected, and generally being not wanted around. Lovely trade, eh? Maybe I should have been more careful what I was praying for. I've been making it a part of my daily routine to pray that I become more Christ-like. And now I may be getting my chance, in that I get to love, have compassion on, and give everything blessing I've got to someone who just doesn't seem to want my company, even though she SAYS (but not this weekend, or since sometime last week, for that matter) that she loves me. And while I'm at it, I might as well put on that list grace and forgiveness. I just flatly refuse to let this situation turn me bitter and hateful to the most wonderful woman I've met in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time. I'll find a way to forgive and forget, or die trying. And maybe, she'll come around and remember how she felt about me, and will love me back. I was really sad today when I saw she wasn't wearing the promise ring I gave her. I realize fully that she probably shouldn't wear it to work, since she's a hippotherapist, but it still upset me. I hope I hid my disappointment well. I still don't know if she's upset about something I've done, something I said, or if there are other things that made me so repulsive to her. Maybe it's all the stress from working, going to school full time, getting some one else's brood of children drooped on her, or strees from her parents. Maybe it's all of that. There are probably more things, that she hasn't told me about yet. Maybe I don't even have a clue. I want to, but she won't let me have one (either a clue OR a chance, at this point). I just hope she comes back to me - I don't want to start looking again, knowing that I lost this one. *SIGH*
11:22 PM
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