Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Monday, April 14, 2003
Or maybe the cloud just got stormy. I always hated finding out that what I had hoped would happen didn't. But I should know by now that, whatever I hope will happen won't; whatever I expect is always wrong. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And I wonder why I'm anti-social. Aparrently some part of me realized long ago that just being associated with me is dangerous. Why anybody braves the dangers is beyond me. But there are a few. And don't they pay the price for it, too. They always end up getting hurt, either caught in the middle or just caught unawares by my rampant, unending stupidity. And looky here, I may even lose the love of my life over it this time. Which is just wonderful to think about. I've spent so much time worrying about what's going on and not sleeping that now I have a migraine to go with my backaches. I even managed to hurt Manna's feeling pretty badly and make her think I don't trust her. And I'm not sure that my love is even going to want me back, much less take me back. Not that it would surprise me. Everything I touch blows up, so why should my relationships be any different? I just hope she won't hate me forever because I'm a heinous idiot. And, maybe, I should go ahead and start looking for a conveniernt rock to crawl under. Hopefully, it'll be in an out of the way spot where no one will even look. That way, nobody else can get hurt. I hate my life sometimes, and now would be one of them, except I hate myself too much to think about it. I may just the most abject failure of the human species seen in twenty thousand odd years. Oh well, SOMEBODY had to be the ass end of humanity. . . .
11:01 PM
Having heard from several o' my peoples, I've decided that maybe this cloud has a silver lining. In all the hubbub of me worrying what I'd done to warrant such ill treatment from my girl, I lost sight of the fact that she's my girl and loves me. I may worry about it, but I seriously think she still does, and I'm going to work from there. I just hope I don't lose this one.
12:21 AM
Sunday, April 13, 2003
You know, I often wonder about this whole "love" business. More to the point, I often wonder why it is that we let the women we love be absolutely silly and childish, and explain it away "because they're women." I'll be there first to say that I wouldn't get any mercy if I acted badly towards my significant other because "I was in a mood" or because I'm "just a guy." It's absolute nonsense. I realize that women are (supposedly) more susceptible to emotional shifts and dynamics, but I don't think the susceptibilty is as severe as anyone would have me believe. But it's ok, apparently, for my girl to treat me as badly as she wants, because she's just in a mood because she's a woman. It's still crap, no mattrer what (other) people think. *Insert further frustrated ranting* I just wish she would really trust me, or not get seriosuly butt-hurt about such small matters. She may love me, as she claims, but she sure doesn't seem to LIKE me very much, and for no dicernable reason I can see. All very heartening for the potentially most stressful run of my school year. But, who said she has to think about anyone but herself? Obviously her being upset over some trivial bullshit is more important than asking me about it, explaining to me what she's upset about, or caring that it's going to have a pronounced negative effect on me. I guess I really don't need most of the sleep I'm losing, but even if I did, I wonder if she'd give a red rat's ass. Not that it matters. I guess I should have expected that she'd be only a little different from every other woman I've ever fucking known, in several ways. But, she's different enough where it counts (I hope), and love covers a multitude of sins. And, perhaps, when I'm in a better (or less frustrated and stressed) mood, I won't think so harshly of how she's acting. As for now, I think I'll just vent, and see if all the frustration blows over. She had better be prepared to give me a lot of slack down the road, if this is how she's going to be, tho. . . .
2:14 AM
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