Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Monday, April 29, 2002
Of all the times in my life I should be content, even happy, I should be now. After all, I'm about to graduate from college, and I'm getting a very good deal (I'm actually being paid) to do my Master's work next year. But somehow, I'm still very unhappy right now. Maybe I'm just so used to receiving academic accolades that they can't pump me up like they used to, or maybe it's the fact that - once again - I tried to have a relationship and got rejected. This just happened to be worse than usual, becaused the girl I was interested in would rather wait on another guy to break up with his current g/f than give me a chance. It isn't even like I had a chance and lost it to another guy. She'd just rather roll the dice on a guy she CAN'T EVEN HAVE. But that's ok. As I've known all along, I'm not really important; my feelings are obviously only cared about by me. Just once, I'd like to either be able to not give of myself to someone, or have someone just care about me. I'm so exhausted from giving of myself to everyone else that I can barely keep putting one foot in front of the other, so to speak. On top of this whole rejection thing, another friend of mine, now the ex-g/f of my current rommate told me that I wasn't really her friend. Not that she doesn't like me, I'm just not her true friend. Why, you ask? Because I didn't put my entire fucking life on hold so as to help her when her b/f broke up with her, and then I didn't totally, unconditionally agree with her that her ex - my roomie and and old friend, no less - was the biggest piece of shiznit on the whole bleeding planet. I'm about .5 seconds from telling the whole group of them - roomie included - to go fuck themselves with a baeball bat. I'm tired of giving and not getting anything back except a slap in the face. I'm just plain bloody tired of it all. At least I can look forward to the academic semester ending very soon, and then living either by myself or with one of my closest friends from college next term. Maybe, with all of these bloodsuckers out of my life, I can finally get around to making myself into what I want to be. And maybe, I can heal up my insides enough to actually have a relationship. Maybe even a good one. But until everything here is over and done with, I suppose I have no choice but to do what I've always done: endure. If there's one thing I've learned from all the shit my "friends" have dumped on me is that I can last through it without sinking to their level. Depsite my having to come down from my high horse a while back, I'm still just plain better people than they are, or ever will be. Someday, they might even realize that. Hopefully, by that time, I'll be mature enough and faithful enough - and will have been helped a lot by GOD - to forgive them, and forget all the things that they've put me through, done to me; how they hurt and misuse me; how the don't appreciate and ignore me. Until then, I just have to find some way of fighting through the muck of it. Good thing I have the True Power on my side.
6:03 PM
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