Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Friday, February 15, 2002
Well, it is (or rather, was) Valentine's Day, and I felt obliged to put something up. I'm torn between a rant and a justification; my mind is caught somewhere betwixt a sigh of sadness and an angry shout. But that's just me. After all, you can only be out of the proverbial loop for so long before you start to seem a little nutty to the people still in it (even marginally). Therefore, when you've been on hiatus as long as me, you seem downright nutty to most people you meet. Today being Valentine's, I just got a better picture than usual of my out-of-the-loopness. Moving right along though, if those in the loop decide you're wacky, you aren't going to make much progress relationally. Especially if they think you're gay. But I don't even want to go there right now - I'm depressed enough as is, without contemplating the now vouched for fact that I apparently strike people as gay. Now, I don't have anything against people who ARE homosexual, but I am most certainly NOT. Doesn't seem to matter though - perception (by other people) seems to be that determinant. So, I'm just basically screwed. And here I thought that females were getting tired of abrasive, abusive, muddle-brained, mealy-mouthed simpletons; but apparently, if you don't fit somewhere on the continuum near that area, you're just not right. And I don't get that. But who am I to say anything about it anyway? Correct, I'm just that weird guy who nobody knows. Before today, I would've said something more like "that quiet guy who nobody knows (but some people might want to). *begin sarcasm* Ah, the bliss of knowledge! *end sarcasm* . But, at least I know now, I suppose. And I can look happliy forward to someday becoming a lonely old man (or, some combination of that and a dirty old man). *end sarcasm* I think I know what the protagonist in Hemingway's "Soldier's Home" felt - I want to be a part of life, but I don't want to have to play these insipid games to get there. I mean, there's no point in "selling" somone on what I want them to think I am, only to have them find out I'm not what they think, and that they don't like this "real" version. So basically, I don't want to have to be a liar or a fake to get poeple to like me - if they don't like the real me, that's their problem. But my problem seems to be just that - people don't like the "real" me. Damn these logical loops! Damn them! It is at time like this I truly, honestly life had either a "reset" button or a "rewind" function. Then, I might be able to go back and get myself prepared for this game, since it's too late now. Obviously, I can't go back, but at the same time, I really can't go forward, either. Thus my only option is stagnation, which leads ultimately to an ever-so-early end. Lovely thought, that. Yeah, I really like that idea. I think I'll go to sleep now, before my tortured brain runs to far with this idea - I doubt it's healthy to follow this train of thought much farther. :^(
1:14 AM
Monday, February 11, 2002
Hmmmm. So much to do, so little time. One might almost think college students are overworked - oh wait, there are some that are. I sometimes wonder why I didn't major in something I could get away with goofing off in, and still make the grades. Oh wait, I forgot how that would totally go against my ethics. After all, what good is a degree if you don't learn something? And, is it really worth the "effort", if you don't have to work for it? *Sigh* Ok, rant over. I'm just jealous of the workload of some students, who obviously don't feel the need to stretch themselves or try hard. And the sad thing is, they'll STILL probably end up making more money than I do, and do less work to get it. I guess it just goes to prove that life really is unfair. Ah well, there isn't a thing I can do about it. I just wish I had less work to do, and more time to have a life and such. Not that I would have a life even then, but it would be nice to have the option. Of course, I wish a lot of things, so I'm not too expectant that this particular wish will come true, but it seems more plausible than a lot of the rest, so I'll hold it out as my best option. And maybe someday, I won't be putting in 14-18 hour days with such regularity. And maybe, by then, I'll have gotten smart, found a female companion for myself, and gotten settled. Until then, I suppose I have to keep plugging away at this tedium, and hope for a breakthrough to come sooner than expected.
7:39 PM
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