Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Tuesday, January 01, 2002
You know, the more holidays that go by, the more I feel like Charlie Brown - always the odd man out, the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Not to say that I haven't had an enjoyable holiday season, just that it seems that I get a lot more frustration than satisfaction -- long periods of boredom and malaise, punctuated by brief moments of happiness, if you will. I wish that it had turned out better, but then again, what can one do? Take tonight, for example: a girl that I've been "seeing" invited me to join in her New Year's festivities. In all honesty, I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but I was apparently mistaken concerning her affection for me. Seems she was transmitting on the "friends" frequency, while I was receiving on "something more." And just when I thought I was finally making some progress. Like I said, I feel like Charlie Brown: I get all revved up to take another try, and someone pulls the ball out from under me, and I'm left sprawled in a painful heap. If I didn't know better, I'd start to think the whole world really WAS out to get me, and foil every thing that might make me happy. But I DO know better. And, I might just be making a judgment without knowing all the facts. Since I'm just SOOOOO adept at reading and interpreting female signals, I might just be in error (again). Of course, that allows for the possibility that she doesn't even really like me, and just runs around with me because she has nothing better to do (and doesn't THAT just feel all warm and fuzzy, eh?). And of course, if anyone makes it difficult to read them, it's a girl (just pick one, any one - I'm sure they'll have you confused within the quarter-hour, unless you ARE female). So, I'm hoping that I'm just misinterpreting her signals. And, per the usual, I go home secure in the knowledge that I have no clue - happy thought, that one. It's SO great to know that you don't know enough to even get basic ops down. ** end sarcasm ** All sarcasm aside, however, I begin to wonder anew just how long I can hold out against this pain/fear/depression morass that is trying to suck me in. Everyday it gets harder and harder to say "I'll just try again tomorrow." Feeling like a trembling neophyte is NOT a pleasant sensation, and that's how I feel. It's as if I don't really have any control over my own fate anymore - I want so badly to do and have certain things, and they seem to be utterly out of my reach, and yet tantalizingly near. But every time I extend my reach, the things I want get that much further away. I think I may know how Tantalus felt, down in the pits of Tartarus. And still, I think I know how Charlie Brown feels. I really don't think I like being a real-life Charlie Brown, either - we all know what happens to him: if there's a way to lose, it finds him, and he still keeps on trying. And her never, ever gets the girl and lives happily ever after. And I DEFINATELY don?t like that ending. I wonder, though, if I am still able to write a different one for myself?
3:19 AM
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