Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Saturday, December 15, 2001
Sometimes, I wonder why I went away to school. Here at home, it's like the whole world is behind me, and the whole thing is giving me a gentle lift. If there were a way to really express how renewed I feel every time I come back home, I'd love to say it, but I guess my inept attempts at description will have to suffice. My friends are here, my family is here, my...place...(if that's the proper word) seems to be here - and yet, I know why I can't be here all the time. The very family that now buoys me up against the weight of the world will shortly begin (again) to weigh me down. All of the general badness that I left behind to go to school will all too soon rear it's indescribably vile head, and the happy veneer will shatter, like so much glass. But until then, I'm going to thoroughly enjoy what's going on. After all, who can be down about family life during the holidays? And besides, my friends are here (many of them, anyway) and I can always escape into their world, for a time. But then again, I can already feel old disturbances arising anew, sour feelings that I thought buried returning again to haunt us. If only my friends could let past hurts live in the past. Time has passed, and it is time to forgive and forget. I, of all people, know how deep the hurt runs on all sides, and perhaps mine deepest of all, and yet I am able to let it go; why then can no one else? They seem intent on hurting each other and themselves, and I don't think I can do anything to stop it. I don't want to see us fighting again, but there seems little hope of a peaceable renewal of friendship and good will. I don't know what it will take to convince them to try, but there must be something. Now, to figure out what that is.... Most unfortunately, I think it's beyond the capabilities of my simple mind.
:^(
On a lighter note, at least my peeps are getting back in town, and maybe even back together. I can only hope for the best. Maybe I didn't forget why I left here so much as I put it out of my mind; it's easy to not think of all the bad things when you aren't reminded of them. As oddly as my memory may work, I tend to not remember things that hurt me or sadden me (in any specific way), and I'd rather just let them go and be done with them. There are things that I've done that I'll never get rid of totally, but then again, there are plenty of things I've already put behind me. If, now, the wound that was dealt to my circle of friends could be healed, that much more would be unable to trouble me. Ah well, there is little I can do, so I can simply wait and watch, and work on it at some later point in the space-time continuum. Just blah....
:^(
Perhaps my place is neither here nor in Waco, but some as yet undiscovered place, where my heart will spring up and my soul be renewed, and my life be happy and fulfilled. Perhaps all my difficulties are subtle hints that it's time to pull up the roots, and relocate. I can't say for sure, but it could be a change of scenery is needed. Or, my tasks could be being set before me - this being the preview - and I am "destined" to stay here at home, and do whatever it is that I am supposed to. It just feels right, to call this place, this town home. Might just be that I have to find the right milieu in which to exist, as that seems to be the biggest problem I have. Too much caught up in the struggles of my friends, I seem to be overwhelmed by their burdens and my own. Thus, I may just need to find the right mixture of influences, to finally cement my true place. I don't know, but I guess I'll have plenty of chance to figure it out. Besides, who really knows what they're supposed to do, and where? Only a few, and not all of them lucky in knowing their place. Que sera, sera, I suppose.
11:07 PM
Friday, December 14, 2001
Well, it's the second day home, and I'm already remembering why it is that I love coming home so much. Not only is there no silly work to do, but I get home cooked food to boot! I love this system! And it can only get better from this point, when my people all start straggling into town - there are few things to revive the spirit like good food, good rest, and people you love. And I think it was time for a recharge. Actually, scratch that, the batteries were dead, and the emergency power was almost gone too - I was pretty much headed for stasis / healing coma. But now, the very air seems to pick me up, and every breath makes me stronger. Of course, It all started when I was pulling away from Dallas: I saw one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen, all thanks to the sheet of high clouds (and the God who decided to paint them all pretty for me). And that, symbolically, was the turning point. I leapt out from under the overcast skies, and looked back as the sun painted them all shades of red, orange and purple, against a beautiful deep blue sky. It's the little things like that that remind one that everything is gonna be all right; God's in heaven, and in the very air around me, and there's nothing in the whole world that can stop Him and me from being together. Oh yeah, that's the STUFF! In other news, my closest oldest friend - Nikki- just recently got engaged, and (at long last) she's getting the man of her dreams in perpetuum, which is exactly how it should be. I can only hope that God blesses them with everything he's got in his bag o' tricks. Of course, my entire group of friends should be married by summer '03 --excepting myself (barring an act of God or some other craziness) -- so, this is the part where it gets exciting. All of my people are cementing the blocks of happiness in place, which of course makes me happy, even if it is partly vicarious. But who cares? It's all good, and we all know it. Can?t ask for much more than that, eh? And maybe, a certain someone will warm up to the idea of Me, and turn a lot of general badness around for me. If not, there's always another girl (or, so they say), and I know God is keeping His checklist up to date, so he can point me in the right direction when the time comes. Just gotta keep hoping till then.
1:43 AM
Thursday, December 13, 2001
Ah, the fresh air, the sharp chill of winter, the sweet, sweet smell of home. Well, it's finally over - the college semester at my school, anyway - and so, without further ado, I took off for the hills, and got the heck out of Dodge. It feels good to be back again, and yet, something doesn't seem right. Maybe it's the apprehension of grad. school applications that are going through; maybe it's the fact that I have a friend that I need to get a hold of that I haven't talked to in a LOONG time; maybe it's that I'm the first of my peeps home for the first time ever. Or, it could be that I'm just tired from the long day and drive. Seven hours, just me and the road - Joy! (hope the sarcasm didn't drip on anybody there!). Ah well, things look pretty up for this break, except for the nagging desire to learn Greek - my profs at Baylor remind me that, to have a valid shot at getting into my desired field, I need to have some Greek. It's just that I'll be teaching it to myself, over Christmas break. I'm not reall7y sure I can do it, but I guess I'll be finding out. And if it works out, all the better for me - then I can brag about it, and I won't have to take beginning Greek as a Grad student. In other news, getting home has decidedly improved my outlook: there are no annoying reminders of how pathetic I am hereabouts. And maybe, just maybe, there's a certain young lady who I'm going to see this break that might just make a more permanent change in that outlook. Regardless of her, I have to put on my happy face - my two oldest female friends are having engagement/wedding mania, and I have to (at least) look happy and stuff. They're contagious enough, though, that I might get happy by association. Whatever works, right? And as long as I don't get to busy over this break, I might just accidentally do something constructive. Don't count on it though; my vegetative gene has been decidedly undernourished of late, and it might take to this atmosphere with lots of free time. Quid erit, erit, after all. Sit pax omnibuscum benevolentiarum, et Christus omnibuscum.!
1:11 AM
Sunday, December 09, 2001
La la la. Another day, another dollar. After really blustering myself out emotionally last night, I think I'm a (little bit) better now. Not a lot, but a little bit. At least, more stable. Still tired of being Mr. Fifth-wheel, 1979 - 2001, but there's not really much I can do about the past. Don't really like the past, may want to forget it, but there isn't a whole hell of a lot that I can change about it now. Not that it matters anyway. I think I overaggrandize my importance; just as I cannot do anything meaningful because it is "good", the bad things I've done don't really have any meaning either. And thus the problem: there isn't any meaning in anything for me. Do I really care if I make the grades? Not so much. Does it really bother me that very few people even know me, much less care for me? Not so much. Does it really bother me that I'm probably going ot be alone forever? Yes, but there's not too much I can do to change that now. The list goes on and on.... And there's still no point in any of it. I'd ask myself why I continue to try, but I know the answer: I have to. There's no way to do nothing, so I might as well do something, even if it has absolutely no meaning at all, whether to me or to the rest of the world. I hesitate to say that God intended for me to be this way, the way that I am - I cannot brook a God who would create me to desire one set of things, and leave me totally incapable of gaining them. Thus, this must be the result of something I've done, although I don't know what or when or how. But maybe, just maybe, that means that I can find a way to either right the wrong, or get loose from it's grasping tentacles, and finally be truly free to pursue whatever it is that God meant for me to pursue in this world.
11:37 PM
I feel like a real schmuck after going back and reading that last post. Sometimes, even I'm surprised at the crap that I can come up with. So, I'm going to try this again, and do it the RIGHT way. In my last post, I implied that there was actually something or things that I was actually proud of; in reality, I could take my whole past and mash it up in a little ball, burn it, and scatter the ashes to the winds for all that I care. There's not enough in it worth remembering to overcome the ponderous mound of nastiness that it is. And yes, that even includes those happy hours with my good friends, because, in reality, I'm not a very good person - and therefore, not much of a friend to them -- and I don't want to remember them trying so hard to do right by me when I can't do the same. I may love them and care about hem very much, but it doesn't ever seem to come out right, and I'm beginning to think that they might be better off without having a hanger-on like me. Best to cast me off where I can't pain them any further. I also implied that there are times when I'm not the worlds' first and foremost moron; in all actuality, there are just times that I'm just not such a raging idiot that I can do something semi-worthwhile, but that's as good as it gets. There's not a dam thing that I have ever done, am doing, or ever will do that will amount to a hill of beans; why the hell am I even trying? I'd give up, but I'm too damn stubborn (I blame my Irish/German background), and besides, my family expects things of me, and I've got to at least try to come through for them. As well, I've got to keep trying to do right by my people, even if it doesn't work, until they decide that it's time to be done with me. I'm sure I'll eventually end up exactly as I usually think God intended me: all alone, where I can screw anything up for anybody else anymore. I'm tired of being the fifth wheel, the screw-up, and the extra piece of the puzzle. If that's all there is to this life, I'm more than ready to move on. It's kind of odd to say that, being that I call myself a Christian, but then again, I've got nothing to lose: I have faith that I'm saved, that Jesus really did die so that I can be made right someday, and I really REALLY can't wait for that day. Whenever it comes, I have no doubt about me: no illusions here, it's totally a grace thing; I know there isn?t anything about me that warrants saving, but He did it anyway. So, to my way of thinking, the sooner it comes, the better for me and the world at large. This world hasn't ever done much for me (of course, I've not done a lot for it either), and hopefully, in the next world, I'll finally be made into what I'm supposed to be. I just hope and pray that, between now and then, I won't be too big of a burden on or embarrassment to, my family and friends, or my Savior too, for that matter. I hope he's still willing to claim me when I get there, and sometimes I really wonder if He will. And maybe, between now and then, God and I will find a way to straighten me out somewhat, so that I can perhaps be a contributing member to society, and maybe even have the great blessing of finding that perfect person. And I swear by everything in me, that if God ever brings her to me, I'm going to try like no man ever before has to be a good husband and father. If nothing else, I can perhaps raise up a family, and give something back to the world that I've been brought into. But then again, who am I kidding? There's no woman out there crazy enough to go for a guy like me. And the worst part is, I know it, too. Oh well. No one said it was going to be easy. I must?ve just missed the memo that said when I finally got to be worthwhile somehow.
2:59 AM
You know, it's been one of those semesters. One of those where nothing seemed to go right, and every success was marred by some other (not necessarily related) issue. Of course, any success has benn far outweighed by a lack thereof. And, when you're still measuring your years by semesters, that seems like a long, LONG time. Maybe it's in the perception: you know, if I thought things were going positively, and interpreted them through a more positive outlook, things would seem more rosy. But I'm having a hard time seeing the positive side of things. Maybe it's in the circumstances: I may just be the proverbial "fish out of water" here at this particular university. It might just be because I haven't ever really dealt with or overcome all the hurdles of pre-college life. Or maybe I'm just messed up in the head. And I'm more inclined to think it must be that last one. There's no logical explanation, for either the negativity that seems to follow me or for the negativity I harbor within me. By all rights, I should be normal, well adjusted and happy - it isn't as if I was going hungry or living on the streets or anything. Yeah, I have a few gripes about how my family raised, but all in all, they -- I think -- did a pretty darn good job. And, it isn't as if I didn?t try to live up to expectations. I busted my butt to get where I am today, and I should be proud of the things I can do and what I've already accomplished. And yet, it still seems as if something is missing. All things considered, I'm pretty successful so far, seemingly well-liked, and generally a good person (Yes, I'm still working on that whole being a Godly man thing, even if I'm only making baby steps --much to my disappointment). I think a lot of it has to do with what's going on around me. All of my close friends seem to be finding their soulmates and such; they're all happy and well-adjusted, and becoming exemplars of burgeoning adulthood -- in the true sense, wherein they are fully and finally their own, with very few strings attached. And then there's me: the penultimate bachelor. It's like I've been cursed: if I get within ten miles of a decent girl, I apparently (I can only presume this, due to lack of firsthand evidence, but that very lack is suggestive of decreased brain function) become some kind of blithering moron, and obviously am not too attractive in such a state. I can't be a moron like that all the time, else I wouldn't have made it this far in school. Perhaps it just that human thing, you know: we all have something we're just no good at. Unfortunately, I just happen to be terrifically inept in anything involving relating to the female of the species. Ah well, I had better stop this post - I'm getting my ramble on, and it isn't really helping me sort out anything anymore (I've been over this ground a hundred zillion times before, and will probably go across it again that many or more times).
2:28 AM
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