Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Friday, December 07, 2001
You know, it feels good to not have any pressing deadlines. No work due, no finals tomorrow, no requirements.... It?s very liberating to be free again, free again at last! But only till Tuesday - damnable classes! Why do I need to take finals in classes I don't care about? It's so...so...idiotic. But there's nothing I can do about it, and they?re not paying me enough to care (actually, they aren't paying me - I'm going to have to see someone in management about that). Ah well, I can still lament my lack of a love life, especially after an old ex of mine called today to talk. It's always wonderful to know that everyone you know has someone, but you don't. I really don't think I'm all that bad a guy - sure, I have bad habits, but who doesn't? It isn't as if I'm some kind of lab freak, or close relative of Quasimodo (although my the beauty of my physical vessel is under strong debate, led by me, first of all), or that I'm an ill-mannered jerk (albeit, I have my moments too). Admittedly, I'm shy, but there has to be some way of getting around that - of course, it's obviously too much for a girl from around here (the location is unrevealed, to protect the guilty) to speak up or anything. They too vulnerable and manic-depressive to take the chance that, when they talk to a guy, he's going to reject them. Last time I checked, only girls laugh in the faces of people who try to talk to them, even members of the opposite sex (I feel, at this time, the need to make a short disclaimer: No, I am not some kind of woman hater or chauvinist (I hate the way guys act towards women in most cases, more so than I dislike anything about women), I'm just frustrated that every woman wants a nice guy - e.g. me - but when one presents himself, he gets bombed back into the stone age, so to speak. What's UP with that, anyway? **End Disclaimer**). Back to what I was saying, though: Is it really so hard for a young woman to conceive that maybe, just maybe, we guys are as insecure about ourselves as they are, and would like the freedom to not ALWAYS be the aggressor, so to speak? I don't know; maybe I'm just overly frustrated with the whole dating system. There seems to be a lot of problems inherent in the system that we should just do away with. But then again, who is to say we'd be able to come up with anything better? Certainly not me, that's for sure.
7:41 PM
Thursday, December 06, 2001
Oh wow, two posts in the same day...I must be really bored. Hating finals per the usual, but with the added flavor putting in applications (again). I thought it was bad when I was applying for college, but this is far worse. Who knew the level of annoyance involved? Oh well.... I wish I could say that life was looking good on other fronts, but doing so would make me a liar. Maybe I'm just worn out -- emotionally, physically, and mentally -- but it seems like life took a turn for the depressing a few years back and hasn't looked up again since. Of course, it could also be the pent-up emotional trauma of 15 years of inter-familial turmoil and tragedy, or the inherent diificulty in growing up and seperating from one's home and hearth, but whatever it may be, it still is less than enticing. I don't know what happened me to make me this way, but I certainly would like to know why it is that I can't just be happy. Lonelieness, pain, longing -- these have been my cloesest companions for sometime now, and may I be damned if they don't make rotten fellows. I'm tired of being alone and afraid, but I don't know how else to be -- and no one is going to take the time to show me the way out of the bitter, black cave. Even my truly close friends don't really know how "deep the the rabbit-hole goes", and some of them know too much about me already. And even they couldn't walk me up the "trail" out of my own personal hell to anywhere else. God bless them, how they tried. It just didn't work - whether I can be dredged up again from this swamp of negativity is unsure, and becomes more difficult each pasing moment. I cannot believe that I am so tightly bound by my own fear and sadness that I cannot rise up again, and yet I find that everytime I try, I only sink deeper. It's like I'm stuck in quicksand, except that it's my soul sinking. And if I can't hold out for help, I stand to lose more than I can possibly imagine.
4:02 PM
Ah, to be beginning a new phase. If it weren;t the begining of the finals experience, I might be more enthused. Can't say as that I lenjoy getting up in the wee small hours of the morning, but I don't get that choice right now. AT least it's only for a week. Tomorrow will be the worst of it as well: my hardest test, covering ther most material, and the most difficult material, all presided over by the most difficult professor I may have ever had. That's such a wonderful and uplifting way to start one's day, knowing that you're walking into the 8th circle of hell. But, I guess, if you can walk back out under your own power, you did all right. So, I get to spend the entire day preparing for said test. Don't really like that idea either. But once again, I haven't the option -- failure is actually owrse, in this situation than what I have to go through to avoid it. Que sera, sera, I guess.
9:59 AM
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
As a short reminder (and anyone in college or university will agree with this): finals time is the worst time of year. So much stress, so little sleep, and all for what? To produce two hours worth of mental garbage disposal that schools around the world like to call exams. Maybe I'm a little biased, but I really dislike the idea that my progress in improving my intellect can best be shown by how well I answer a set of silly questions. At least, by this stage of my educational career, there are very few "mutiple choice" exams -- not that I find them difficult -- because that type least shows what I have learned and only tends tp demonstratre that yes, I can read and regurgitate information. And I'm so glad to know that reading and regurgitating is so important a facet of my learning experience. At least, with a "writing" exam, I can display what small amount of knowledge or wisdom I've gelaned, without having to resort to presenting a massive volume of memorized factual data. The writing exam at least allows soom room for analysis and such, and lets me put what I've learned in my own words. After all, if you can't say something in your own words, i.e. make it meaningful to yourself, you cannot sya that you've really learned it!
11:22 PM
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