Making my way, every day;
Walking the road, bearing the load.
Making it a little, but not all alone;
Starting a life, getting it going.
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Just a man, pausing in his daily walk to ponder.
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Seems I forgot about my own blog. Luckily, nothing much has happened of late. Nothing really to update, excpet to say that the girl I lost this Spring is no longer even on my radar, and it seems we're both doing well at keeping it that way. Her loss, I suppose.
5:25 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
So maybe I didn't get as much resolved during the summer as I thought. Facing up to your past is often a hard thing to do, and facing what you took on blind faith in childhood as an adult makes it doubly so. Not that that changes anything; it just makes me ask more questions, mostly about myself. Still got the same foundation, just a different building on top of it. But that doesn't really help much with the other things, but in a way it does. I can reasonably state that I know that everything in my life will work out "for the best" but that statement seems like a rationalization when I think about how little I may know of what is best for me or how to achieve it. Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to being able to let it go at the simple answer, but that's not how I was made, apparently. I keep asking questions of myself that don't seem to have answers. And I keep not finding "answers" to my more outwardly directed questions, as well. And, to top it off, I still am having no success in making a go of social activity of any kind. Oh well. I suppose I can only take the cards I'm dealt and play them for what I can. I just don't want to have to fold before the payoff. *sigh*
1:15 AM
Friday, August 08, 2003
So I've taken the whole summer off from posting. Wish I could say it was because I was getting my life in order and all. Actually, it was because I was working full time (and goofing off about that much too!). I was hoping I'd get some things worked out, and I did - they just weren't the things I was plaaning on / expecting. It's all improvement in the end. I've got a better idea of where I'm going, and where I want to end up - which is to say that I'm rediscovering the faith of my childhood, in an adult way. I just hope that everything keeps on keeping on, because it all goes up from where I am. And maybe someday I'll understand why, being so shy, I am so desperate to find my other half.
12:55 AM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Tired. So very tired. Not because it's 3 a.m. Not because I've been up too late too often, not sleeping enough, or have too many things to do. I am tired of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I am tired of being let down, dumped on, pushed around, and walked over. I'm tired of trying to do what is right, only to be wronged further. I am tired of loving people, only to be hurt in return. I am tired of doing my best and getting the worst in return. I am tired, oh so very tired. Where is the good, the hopeful, the uplifting? Where is the helping hand, to lift me from my sea of trouble? Where is anything to keep me going? Would that I could fly away, just fly away home. Would that I could simply stop, merely end. Would that I could become someone else, go somewhere else. Would that anything could happen that turns out for the best in the end. Would that what I choose to be involved in would not explode; would that my goals be not unreachable. Tired, so very, VERY tired. Sleep must come , or rest. . . .
3:07 AM
Monday, April 28, 2003
Now I know why I was off-kilter all this weekend: I was right. This is, of course, one time I HATE to be right. My g/f (?) was looking for the right words to say, and I had to go and say them to her. She just doesn't have time for me right now, and would rather have all of her other projects than a relationship, than my full love. I can understand her choice of school over love, because I've had to make it as well. I don't however, understand choosing the other things. I don't have to understand, however. My place now is only to keep my word. I made her a promise when I gave her her ring that I would wait until she's ready. Now, as I accept it back, I intend to honor the promise ANYWAY, because it is what is right. I love her, and I will wait until she is ready. I never thought I'd have to take back a promise ring, but what must be, must be. I can only hope she will still love me and care about me after our little "break." And during that little break I have the delicious luxury of playing the every dangerous game of "part-time boyfriend." ***end sarcasm*** I refuse to be a matter of convenience for her or any other woman. If I feel she is taking advantage of me (which is now, unfortunately, almost assured to happen), I will walk away, and perhaps stay away. She may find a much different friendship than she expects. And yet, I must also give the fullest effort I can to being a good friend, for obvious reasons. I do love and care for her, and that requires me to do what is right. I also want to be her friend (and her boyfriend even more). But I refuse to play some silly game that will cause me no end of pain and suffereing because some silly girl is too immature to take care of business. We can only watch, wait, and try to do what is right before God and man now.
2:15 PM
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